© Daniel S. Wall, 5/19/2026

By Evan Pitchfork, Ethnolo-Mage Extraordinaire

People have all sorts of mistaken ideas about orcs. We have all heard the stereotypes. They are violent. They are cruel. They are stupid, and they are countless other things. We hear all manner of terrible things from those who wouldn’t know anything about it. It’s all nonsense.

Orcs are much worse than that!

Still, we can find some consistent patterns in the social life of these wretched creatures. If one should ever find himself in the midst of an orc village, awareness of these patterns may well prove to be the difference between life and death. In such cases, the only hope one really has to cling to is the faint possibility that the orcs might find you more useful alive than dead. The more you know about their behavior, the more likely you will be to find a way to move your status into the ‘useful’ category.

What you are about to read may sound bizarre and even absurd. It will surely be disconcerting. I can only hope that what you are about to read will always seem far-fetched in your eyes.

Scale: To begin with, these creatures prefer to live in small villages as they tend to fall out with each other more when gathered in large numbers. They are organized as one might expect any other small village to be, albeit with a lot of extra violence. As is often true of village life, the major categories of orc leadership are, in fact, driven by kinship relations. Every leader that emerges from an orc village does so in terms dictated by his family relations within the village. Of course, evil mages, wraith kings, and random wielders of great evil will often override all the principles of orc life to lead armies of such creatures by the thousands, but when left to themselves, orcs will choose their leaders from within their own clan system. So, the key to power within an orc village lies in the ability of any given orc to maximize their potential leadership status within their own clan system.

Orc Clans: Orcs usually describe their clan system as if its major categories were the features of a snarling mouth. This metaphor quickly breaks down into very different (and equally disturbing) imagery when one shifts focus toward the particular clans, but when commenting on the clan system as a whole, orcs will consistently describe it in terms of the snarling mouth.

Every orc is born into one of two different “Jaws.” One of these is referred to as the “Crimes” jaw whereas the other is known as the “Icky Things” jaw. Which of the two is the upper jaw and which is the lower jaw is the subject of much debate (and occasionally bloodshed) among this wretched kindred. Each of the two jaws is itself divided into two separate “bites,” a distinction often likened to the difference between the left and the right side of ones’ mouth, but once again the question of which bite is left and which is right is unsettled and probably meaningless, a fact which doesn’t prevent the matter from leading to conflict. In any event, the “Crimes” jaw is commonly divided into the “Felonies” bite and the ”Misdemeanors” bite. The “Icky Things” jaw is commonly divided into the “Conditions” bite and the “Secretions” bite. Each bite is itself comprised of 8 different “teeth” or clans, most of which are named in a manner consistent with the larger themes of the bite within which it belongs.

How does one determine which clan a given orc belongs to? This is settled at birth as an orc automatically belongs to the clan of his father. Just as an orc inherits the clan of his father, he also inherits the bite and the jaw of his father, and of course he inherits his status as an orc. To be an orc is to belong to an orc clan, thus having a place within the bite and the jaw of the snarling mouth that is orc society. Every expectation imposed upon an orc from its birth to its always untimely demise can be explained in terms of his role in this system.

The clans of orc society are as follows:

 

TABLE I: ORC CLANS
	Crimes		Icky Things
	Felonies	Misdemeanors	Conditions	Secretions
1	Arson (“Arsonists”)	Black Truth (“Tear Whisperers”)	Anal Fistula (“Fistulas”)	Bile (“Biles”)
2	Brawl (“Brawlers”)	Cannibalism (“Cannibals”)	Broken Ankle (“Broken Ankles”)	Bloodfart (“Bloodfarts”)
3	Kidnapping (“Kidnappers”)	Debt (“Debtors”)	Cavity (“Cavities”)	Puss (“Puss Buckets”)
4	Larceny (“Larsons”)	Lie (“Liars”)	Collapsed Lung (“Collapsed Lungs”)	Smegma (“Smegmats”)
5	Love (“Lovers”)	Faux Pas (Fauxperts)	Festering Wound (“Festering Wounds”)	Snot (“Snots’ or ‘Boogers”)
6	Murder (“Murderers”)	Fraud (“Imposters”)	Mad Cow (“Mad Cows”)	Spit (“Spittles’ or “lugees.”)
7	Smuggling “(Smugglers”)	Obscene (“Obscenities”)	Testicular Torsion (“Torted Testicles”)	Toe Cheese (“Cheesers”)
8	Vandalism (“Vandals”)	Shoplifting (“Shoplifters”)	Wacked Funny Bone (“Pains” or “Tingles”)	Vomit (“Pukes,” “Vomits” or ”Bits”)

 

Gender: Orcs are patriarchal, but they are also quite gender fluid, at least insofar as it effects their political economy. Any female that claims male status and successfully holds her own against other contenders will in time come to wield all the status normally belonging to a male orc. She may occupy the role of a husband to another orc female, even if she is already a wife to someone else, and she may occupy any of the leadership roles normally reserved for males. She just has to back her claims with violence, as would the males of her kind.

Of course, it must also be said that the gender of any orc incapable of holding his or her own in a fight is usually ‘dead’.

Marriage: orcs are generally expected to marry out of their clan, and the bride of an orc is always expected to live with him. Sometimes this means the bride must leave her own village to dwell in his, and sometimes that means she finds herself in his village in the wake of a raid. An orc may have as many wives as he (or sometimes she) can defend from others. If his own wife has a wife or wives, he has no special claims to them, though many a meta-husband has tried to invoke a transitive claim on such brides. For some reason, this is frowned upon within orc society, and the resulting conflict usually ends in one or more deaths within the larger family.

Relations within an orc marriage are as abusive as any other relations within orc society, but orc women have been known to remind their husbands that everyone must sleep sometime. In some cases, orc women have been known to band together and punish any husband whose mistreatment they deem excessive, and it seems that most orc villages have a female orc (or three) capable of holding her own against the majority of the male warriors. Orc women will not waste time arguing about equal treatment; they will use sharp blades and blunt force to teach the males in a village about the need for respect.

                Descent: Orc children belong to the lineage, (along with the clan, bite, and jaw) of their father, even if that father is a female orc. If an orc father is also a wife, the children of her own wives belong to her own lineage, but any children she gives birth to will belong to the lineage of her husband. Nobody in an orc village cares much how any children are conceived; their father is the husband of their mother. If the mother of an orc is unmarried, then their father is their grandfather on the mother’s side.

An orcs father is consistently the husband of the mother that actually produced him, but all members of his actual mother’s clan are considered his own “mother” regardless of their own gender. All orcs are expected to do as their father commands, and to aid their fathers in armed conflict. Orcs are also expected to grant any request from their mothers. Orcs recognize no limit to the nature of such requests, but most orcs will remember that impossible obligations typically lead to violence.

                  Adoption: Orcs have been known to adopt others into their kindship system. Under most circumstances, this is a measure of respect, but it is also an instrument of control. Most other creatures living in an orc village will either be allies or prisoners (unless they are lunch). Allies may be expected to behave according to the terms of whatever military alliance brings them into contact with orc-kind, and prisoners are subject to the whims of their captors. Anyone else deemed worthy of continued presence must be given a role within orc society and that means adoption. Most seem to survive the ordeal, coming out the other end of it with all the rights and obligations belonging to other orcs of the lineage into which they have been adopted. In some cases, the sole purpose of an adoption is to impose kinship obligations on the adoptee.

Whenever someone is adopted into an orc clan, the individual who adopted them becomes their father and their mother as far as orcs are concerned. As with other orcs, all the members of an adoptee’s mother’s clan are considered to be their mother. Should an adoptee reproduce, they will count as a father or mother to their children, depending on their own gender, but they will not count as both father and mother of their own natural children.

                      Law-Enforcement: The enforcement mechanism for pretty much any violation of orc custom is a feud with the clan of the aggrieved party. If any wrong is done to an orc, his own clan will seek to inflict a harm of equal or greater significance to the clan of the offender. If the offender is not an orc, then her nation or kindred will serve as her clan for purposes of the clan feud.

This approach to social control naturally has a few drawbacks, not the least of them being a tendency for even minor incidents to escalate into serious conflicts, but orcs can (and sometimes do) seek to contain the conflict means of restitution. The clan of an offender simply pays something of value to the clan of the aggrieved.  This approach has its own drawback, this being the danger that a clan will appear weak if they are too quick to offer restitution. For this reason, most conflicts do produce a victim or two (or even half the village) before anyone makes an effort to end the feud by means of restitution.

              Political Leadership: Orcs have a number of recognized categories of leadership and subordination. These categories are as follows:

             Angel’s Advocate: An Angel’s Advocate can be any orc capable of carrying out the duties in question.

This orc is responsible for keeping selective prisoners alive. Orcs don’t normally care enough about prisoners to do this, and I am aware of absolutely no instances where it was done for the benefit of the prisoner. Still, it is sometimes best to keep a prisoner alive, and in such cases the task of keeping them alive goes to the Angel’s Advocate for the village. Positive connotations aside, an Angel’s Advocate is never a nice character; they are often one of the strongest and meanest orc in the village. Nothing less would enable them to keep a prisoner alive in a village full of hungry orcs.

It should be said that many orc villages lack an Angel’s Advocate, and an Angel’s Advocate will almost always go for long stretches of time without being called upon to perform their services. In some cases, an Angel’s Advocate from a neighboring village may be called upon to take in prisoners for a village lacking such a leader.

                Butt: The village Butt must be drawn from the “Anal Fistula” clan.

The village Butt is an odd position. It is a character who may freely ignore all boundaries within the village. He may eat off anyone’s plate. He may enter the home of anyone he likes at any time, and he may sleep in anyone’s bed without asking, use their tools as he likes, and otherwise take any liberties with their possessions that he cares to. It is generally understood that the antics of a Butt must be tolerated regardless of any other consideration.

It is generally understood that the welfare of all concerned is best served if a Butt spreads the imposition of his presence around a bit. A Butt who focuses his attention too much on a particular orc or a particular orc home may find he has used up the patience of someone angry enough to ignore the custom of toleration.

                 Child Warden: This orc must be drawn from the “Conditions” bite.

The Child Warden is responsible for the care of children within the village. Once a child is weaned, the Child Warden will take charge of them about half the time with their own parents taking care of them for the other half. A Child Warden must discipline the village children and keep them safe from any lasting harm. In the event of an attack on the village, he is expected to protect the children at all costs. A Child Warden who fails in this duty will usually suffer a slow death at the hands of any parents whose children he has failed to protect. Whether or not an honest effort to protect children will mater in the event of failure depends a lot on the relative power of the parties involved, but most Child Wardens who lose a ward do not live long in the wake of the loss.

Note that while Child Wardens can be quite cruel, and this is expected, even encouraged by parents within the village as a means of toughening up their own children, a Child Warden must take care to avoid any lasting harm. “Scarred but Still Kicking” is the phrase most often used to describe how orc children should be returned to their parents. The phrase is also used to describe how they should achieve adulthood.

                   Jester: A Village Jester is normally drawn from the “Icky Things” jaw, though the role is sometimes given to other kindreds who have been adopted into orc kind. Often this will be a kobald or a goblin, but it can also be any prisoner hardy enough to survive years of torment and become a real orc through adoption.

This orc is responsible for entertaining village leadership by mocking the weak and the poor. Orcs often speak of the village jester as playing an important role in the village. Without her, some orcs might forget their own weakness, making violence necessary to put them in their proper place. Of course, a village jester is likely to make some enemies over time, but they always enjoy the protection of village leadership. Few would risk countering a jester with anything but mocking words of their own, and few orcs will find their own words sufficiently compelling to best the mockery of a Jester.

                  Favorite Victim: This position is always drawn from the prisoners held in an orc village. The individual need not really be a favorite, but it often will be. If a village does not have any prisoners, this position will be ignored.

The Favorite Victim serves on the village council when it meets to discuss important decisions for the whole orc community. It has no other benefits or responsibilities.  Orcs are as likely to abuse a favorite victim as they are to do so with any other prisoners. If a number of orcs are genuinely pleased with the actions of a favorite victim in a council session, they may consider adopting him, but this is rare. It is at least as likely that they will eat the favorite victim when the council session is over.

                     Ghost: A ghost is the soul survivor of an orc raid.

Any orc that ventures out with companions and returns alone is considered a ghost until he returns from a successful orc raid with all of his companions alive and healthy. An orc redeemed in this manner is said to have been reincarnated, in which case, they take on the lineage, clan, bite, and jaw of the leader of the raid.

Unfortunately for a ghost, other orcs are unlikely to trust them enough to take them on a raid, and those that do so, are quite likely to give the most dangerous task to the ghost. Ghosts will work tirelessly to get themselves back into good graces by attaching themselves a raid, but often this just leads to an untimely end. Few Ghosts ever achieve redemption.

A Ghost has no clan identity, and so they have no rights. In fact, orcs are fond of saying; “It is better to be a prisoner than a ghost.” They mean it.

                    Historian: An Orc Historian must always be drawn from the “Secretions” bite.

An historian is responsible for knowing the military victories of the village and its inhabitants as well as the descent of every living orc going several generations back.  Because the village historian is the guardian of essential knowledge, they are often protected carefully by the rest of the village, making this a highly sought after position.

                     Lieutenants: Both the War Chief and the Peace Chief may appoint lieutenants as needed [usually 1d8 +(1 per 100 orcs in the village) for each chief]. These are temporary positions, lasting until the relevant chief dismisses them. Lieutenants to the War Chief must come from the Crimes Jaw; those serving under the Peace Chief must come from the Icky Things jaw.

Lieutenants serve as junior officers carrying out the will of the chief they serve.

                   Medicine Monster: A Medicine Monster must always be drawn from the Conditions bite.

This is a spell caster specializing in healing and support spells. Because orcs are not known for their magic or the quality of nurturing and helpfulness, it is not at all uncommon to find this position filled by an outsider adopted into the into the orc kindred. Alternatively, it may be a prisoner captured and held in the village for the purpose of using their healing power.

                  Old Fart: The old fart is always an elder, one regarded as the wisest orc in the village. (This may be faint praise, but it is what it is.) The Old Fart can be chosen from any clan, but he is usually chosen by the consensus of all of the other officials in the village.

The old fart is consulted by all as needed for any matters upon which they may seek advice.

                  Peace Chief: This must be drawn from one of the clans in the “Icky Things” jaw.

A Peace Chief is tasked with keeping the peace, which is to say that he is responsible for handling internal disputes and conflicts with other villages of orcs as well as other wretched creatures. He is also responsible for defense of the village. It should be said that a Peace Chief is as likely to bring about peace through the defeat of local enemies as he is to do so through diplomacy. That said, a Peace Chief is expected to know the difference between a foe that can be defeated and one that must be kept happy. If the actions of a Peace Chief do not effectively reduce local conflicts, he will likely be replaced.

…and that will likely involve a degree of violence.

                 Scout: A Scout must always be drawn from the “Misdemeanors” bite.

The scout is responsible for investigating enemies and potential enemies in distant locations.

                 War Chief: A War Chief must be drawn from the clans in the “Felony” bite.

A War Chief is tasked with leading attacks on external enemies. Rarely does this mean attacks upon any of the wretched creatures of the world. Rather, a War Chief is tasked with bringing war to elves, humans, dwarves, and other fair kindreds. In any event, a War Chief is not normally concerned with the defense of an orc village or even the defense of orc territory; their leadership role is explicitly concerned with taking the fight to others.

                  War Witch: This orc must be drawn from the “Misdemeanors bite.” Of course, orcs are not particularly known for their magical abilities, so it is not at all uncommon to find that a War Witch is an adopted creature belonging to some other kindred.

A War Witch is a spell caster specializing in offensive magic.

                 The Village Council: Whenever an orc village must make an important decision (such as a decision to go to war or to establish peace, enter into an alliance, move its location, etc.) this decision will require a meeting of the Village Council. The Village Council consists of all leadership positions mentioned above, even those that are temporary or demeaning (such as a ghost).

As a general rule the decisions of a Village Council are expected to reflect the general consensus of the council. This is a vague standard, but it is considerably more than a majority vote, and just somewhat short of unanimity. While discussions within the council are generally peaceful, violence in the lead up to a council (or in the breaks between sessions) are very real possibilities. It is not at all uncommon to find that consensus has been achieved as much through intimidation as any other form of persuasion.

A Village Council does not meet regularly. It is called to order whenever a major decision is required. The decision to call a council requires the support of both the Peace Chief and the War Chief or either of them and all the Lieutenants serving under the other one.

                 Exchange: Orcs have little use for currency, nor do they have the patience to haggle over a price or negotiate a trade. When goods change hands in the land of orcs, it is usually a function of the capacity for violence, either because one orc took something another lacked the power to keep or because some orc deemed another orc useful enough to purchase their support, so to speak. If there is any occasion wherein orcs might exchange goods in peace, it is when they loot a once powerful enemy. If there is enough to go around, these miserable creatures might be content with what they can haul away themselves, leaving others to do the same. They might even trade loot with one another in the aftermath of battle. All of this is not to say that they will fail to note who ended up with what and save that theft for another day.

Conclusion: This is orc society as I understand it. May you never encounter it in person!

***

Wretched Review: I promised the village council of the village I once survived that I would include a brief note from an appointed village leader in my publication. It is included below. I can assure you that I have transcribed and translated from the foul tongue exactly what I was told with perfect accuracy , having received death threats from multiple village leaders over the matter.

“I got no gripes here on any of the details above, but on the whole, this Pitchfork guy is a complete fool. He doesn’t know a damned thing. We really should have cooked and eaten him the day that idiot first showed up. If he ever comes back, we will serve him up slow-cooked with an apple in his mouth. Don’t waste your time reading this garbage!”

– Hacla Maime, War Chieftain, Mud and SorrowVillage.